Monthly Archives: April 2010

Freaking Control Freak

Ohmigosh.  I don’t think I’ve ever realized how much of a control freak I can really be!  It’s not absolutely horrible, such that other people would know.  I think this is why I’m the wack-job that I am these days.  I blame my mother for my disposition.  I am tightly-wound and wired and find that I get anxious over little silly things.  I am afraid that when I get older I’m going to have heart issues because of this.

Anyway, I’ve been focused on this issue the past few days.  It’s not that I wish to control physical things, it’s more like situations, or relationships.  I am so afraid that one of my friends will need me and I will be unable to help them from my distance. How do I be a friend one can count on with all this distance!  I want to tell me friends, you can call me if you need to talk, but the real truth of the matter is… they probably can’t.  That makes me sad… and I have no control over it, and that makes me mad.

I want to be able to help my friends, but I have to realize that God has called me on elsewhere and He will take care of the rest here at home.  I’m going to have contact, but distance makes things hard.  My prayer these past few days has been that I do not loose any friendships.

The other place I’ve realized I have way to much control over is the kitchen.  Good luck future Mrs. Allen.   

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Revolution By Resolution

For the time being, one little heartcase is tended to.  (I’m horrible with ending sentences with prepositions, I’ve heard it’s an Ohio thing)  Everything seems neatly tucked away in it’s little space and I feel like it’s ready to be shipped off.  Praise the Lord.  Resolution feels good.

I think I’ve arrived at a temporary peace.  I am holding it close and trying to teach myself to remember this feeling, because it will not last.  I am fearful that this feeling is going to slide away from me too soon, but I accept that.  From Romans 5 and James 1:2-8 I have found that pain and crappy situations are what I need. It’s unfortunate.

The Lord has placed me in peace!  Today is my birthday… what a wonderful gift to have peace.  I am so filled.  I simply cannot express myself well today, but I just need to share this blessing. 

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Just Give It Up Already

Good morning… while some of you may have been up for several hours now, I have just woken up and it is noon.  I had a late night lastnight and slept until I had a phone call that I had to take.  So, I hope that this entry is gramatically correct and what I try to say actually makes sense.

I had told somebody yesterday that sleep is the biological reset button.  Not just that it recharges our batteries, but it gives our minds the rest needed to make big decisions and even time to allow emotions to dispell.  Have you ever gone to sleep feeling extremely emotional about an issue and the next day you wake up on the other end of the spectrum?  I’m an extremely emotional guy, something I was complaining to God about yesterday, and have found sleep to be my greatest solace when I’m feeling down. 

All day yesterday I was feeling a little bit emotional about Peru.  It was just a pang in my chest.  There was a sense that something wasn’t quite put together, that I was missing something.  It was because I was thinking about what I was giving up to go to Peru.  About a year ago I would not have cared what I left behind, but now I am worried about my great friendships, specifically one new strong friendship.  I have so much love and time pent up into this friendship and I fear I’ll loose it.  This relationship has changed me in such a way I would never had recognized a few months back, and the importance to me to retain that is extremely high. 

When God first called me on to this project this was the main reason I didn’t want to go.  But, I heard Him tell me that I was being selffish.  I know that He is calling me from my comfort and is asking me to sacrafice something to come to Him.  I am sitting here and I’m telling myself… HELLO!  This is the God who died for you… He sacraficed for you.  Who knew that sacrafice was so heart breaking? 

So, on my ride home I was thinking about why I was so emotional.  I realized that it’s because I haven’t fully placed all of this into God’s hands yet.  I started praying telling God that I would place this over to Him and fully sacrafice this feeling of need for this friendship in His hands.  The way the Lord has provided this friend I know that it will not dwindle and expire in the wind.  I just have to remember that that was the price of this trip.  This is my sacrafice… not an inconveniency. 

I would ask that you pray that the Lord comforts me in this time.  Pray that I remember that the Lord is in control over everything, even my relationships, and this sacrafice will only bring blessings.  I am broken… what a better place to be with the Lord.  He will help me through.  I just give it up…

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Repacking Heartcases

A few posts back I had mentioned packing up and getting ready to leave for Peru.  What I’ve come to realize is that as I’m preparing for this trip I am having to repack these heartcases.  Once I think that I have everything put away nice and snug, something else comes along and doesn’t fit… or meet the 50lbs mark.

It’s amazing how quickly one can forget what God has spoken so clearly.  I’ve been struggling a lot today with my confidence.  This raising support thing is beginning to wear on me.  Not entirely, but enough to make me stop and try to redirect myself… repack my bags.

When I met with my youth pastor the other day over lunch to talk about the trip he told me something that I laughed about at the time.  He said that I would probably be tested with my faith trying to raise this support.  Here we aaaaaaaare!

Here’s what I am thinking today:

  • I have no power over this situation.  
  • God has all the control.  
  • I have no ability to push this any faster.  
  • It is my human nature that desires that my trip be covered as fast as possible.  
  • It is very possible that God will provide at the very last minute.  
  • I only have to maintain my faith.  
  • Just do what I feel God is leading me to do and believe that He will take care of the rest. 

His repeated confirmation to do this trip is undeniable.  There is nothing else that I need to know.  My doubts are foolish.

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Gotta Have Faith

I wasn’t really planning on sitting down and writing this blog right now, but I don’t know if I’ll have the oppurtunity later tonight.  Today has turned out to be a beautiful day.  I didn’t really expect it to, but that’s the nature of life these days. 

I woke up this morning at seven to leave by eighty thirty so I could drive 2 1/2hrs home to attend church at North Mar.  I loaded as much in my car as I could to save myself from having to pack as much when that BIG day comes along and then set off.  On my way out of town I just felt God was calling me to commun with Him.  I put on some Christmas music (Joy To The World – Jim Breckman) and was instantly right where God wanted me. 

Here it is.  I began asking myself, “Do I really have faith that God is going to pull this whole Peru thing all together?”  I started wondering about myself because, I wasn’t worrying the amount that I thought I should have been.  When I understood that I sat there and thought, “Am I preparing myself for failure?” 

This is something I’ve been dealing with a lot this week.  The fact that this money has to come from somewhere, and it’s not out of my own pocket, is heavy on my shoulders.  God keeps showing me that He is going to provide through conversations I have with friends and coworkers who want to give a hand, but I have built this structure in my mind.  I’ve prepared myself by saying, “Well, if this doesn’t work out then God will have something else for me.”  Yes, this is true.  But, my conviction laid thick in my mind anyway.  I started asking God if he wanted me to give Him 100%.  There was a point in my drive where I told Him that, yes, I give Him all of my faith and trust. 

Fast forward and hour and a half later and I pull into the church parking lot, fifteen minutes later, and a little upset that I may have missed a crucial segment of the sermon.  My Youth Pastor was speaking today so I really wanted to make sure I heard all he had to say.  I walked in a sat by myself.  I’m so happy that I did.

From the very first slide I knew that God was with me.  I was in awe… EVERY stinking church service that I have been to has had a major role of speaking to my soul for ease and comfort.  This one was no different if not more so.  The first slide read… “Faith [God is a God of impossibilities.]”  Something to that effect.  Again, I was stunned.  My ears were perked and I grabbed an envelope from the pew in from of me to take notes. 

Basically, (I’ll just give you the meat of the whole thing) it touched on the very subject that God had placed on my heart in the car.  I just want to scream to you that this is no way in anyway possible just coincidence.  These past few weeks have been too PERFECT to be coincidence.  God has an amazing plan.  Anyway, the series at church has been based in Romans, apparently.  The segment we looked at today was Romans 4:16-21.  We had to go back and forth from this passage to Genesis 15 to get the whole idea.  This was about God’s promise to Abraham that he would have a child at the age of 100.  The mere impossibility was laughable, but here’s the amazing thing.  Abraham BELIEVED God.  Romans described the situation as dead.  That Sarah’s womb was dead, but God takes death and makes things live.  He takes things that don’t exist and brings them into existence.  At this point I had well fallen out of my chair.  I was floored.  This was absolutely God’s voice speaking to me.  Then in verse 20 of Romans 4 it said that Abraham did not doubt.  Rather, his was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.  Sigh… He is so good.  FINALLY, the most amazing thing was this… verse 18… it actually said in the passage “Against all hope…”  Abraham still believed, and verse 21… He was fully… FULLY persuaded.

The Lord has spoken to me once again today.  His perfect will is making itself known to me.  Faith works when it comes to this God who specializes in impossibilities.  My financial burden is a dead situation.  I cannot do this on my own.  But, He has the power to bring this situation to life.  I am calling on Him, 100%.  I do not doubt that I am going to Peru and that He will provide.  

I have an amazing group of friends… I am so blessed that God has given them to me.  He is to be given glory folks.  I will do as Abraham did and give all the glory to Him.  He will do everything needed to get me to Peru… and I will have done nothing. 

Amen?    

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Ah, My Solid Rock

Today, oh today.  This has been a day that was undeniably planned by the Lord.  Things started out normally enough.  I got up and went to work, sat down at my desk and then started to worry.  I believe I have inherited this trait from my mother… Sorry Mom, but I think you know it’s true.  I really worry that I’ll have heart problems when I get older if I don’t get this stress issue under control.  What a vicious cycle!  I worry that I worry to much. 

Anyway, I digress.  But, through two people the Lord encouraged me.  I’ve been telling a lot of people about what I’m doing, and a lot of the time I get blank looks and empty meaningless words.  But, today, the sincerity was present when I was approached about Peru when they had heard of what I was doing.  I didn’t have to say a thing, rather they came to me and were interested to find out more. 

I also found hope in relation to earning support.  I have only had three definite answers from people saying they would commit to $30 a month for my trip.  Only 23 more to go!  If you would like to help financially or in prayer please visit my support page.  A donate button will be appearing there in the next two days.

The Lord has provided such an awesome amount of support.  I hope that I can refer back to this post in the future when I’m not quite feeling supported and remind myself of everyone’s prayers.  I appreciate everything everyone is doing.  You all are a blessing to me and to this mission’s trip.  

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Pack Your Heartcases

It feels like this is going to be the hardest part of this whole experience.  Preparation.  I hate… hate packing.  Anything that has to do with putting clothes into boxes to be moved miles away makes my heart falter.  I’m not the most organized person that you will ever meet.  I like things neat and tidy, but that just means my junk is all put away, not that there is any sort of order.  Packing means putting an order to my chaos…  I suppose the same can be said about my heart right now.  I don’t mean to say that my heart is a wreck, but there are plenty of things that I want to work on before I leave for Peru.

I just got off the phone with a friend.  We were talking about our days and he asked me how I was feeling about Peru and if I felt like it was still where I am supposed to go.  The answer, of course, was yes.  It’s undeniable how the hand of God is working in my life right now.

When I first decided that I was going to go to Peru a lot of my excitement was emotional.  I felt such a God-high, which is good!  Then, after it wore away and I started telling people about it I was slipping toward the wayside in doubt.  I had been reading Hebrews and the first few chapters were about faith and that’s what kept me going.  Something that God has been working on me a lot with is a passion to be working with these people.  When I got the call after my interview I was stuck in the revelation that I didn’t know anything about this culture, I wasn’t intrigued, and I really didn’t much care.  I knew my heart was looking very ugly.

Over the past week and weekend God has just been opening my eyes to see with His eyes in clarity.  Today I was reading through some of the blogs of one of the missionaries that is already down there and just the way she was talking about her host family and the culture and traditions started getting my cultural interest pricked.  I was telling my friend tonight that I had honestly been perfectly okay with the idea of not going to Latin America ever again, and being called there by God was a bit of a conflict of interest.  I really wanted to go to Europe.  But, this is just one area where I’ve packed my heartcase… I have a few more rounds to go. 

The weather lately has been a blessing.  The rain last night was so refreshing.  I opened our living room windows last night to let the house cool off.  It smelled so fresh in the morning.  God’s creation is beautiful.

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