It’s Undeniable

I uploaded a video to YouTube of my song that I wrote recently.  It really just encompasses everything that I’ve been feeling in terms of leaving for Peru and has been an extreme comfort/release for me.  I hope you all enjoy (it’s on the bottom)

My parents came to the house today and took my bed, dresser, and some boxes, so now everything looks terribly empty.  I thought that today would be another one of those revelation days, but it’s funny the numbness one can feel when an oncoming change ensues.  I remain blind to the oncoming change and cannot wrap my head around the reality of it.  I hate the divide I’ve encountered between logic and my emotions.  I know in my head I’m going to Peru, but the comprehension of that fact still escapes me.  At the very same time, my emotions are obviously in the know and are on a rampage.  Why can I not wed the two?

I’ve been consistently praying when I get down that God come to my aid as my best friend.  It sounds silly, but my prayer legitimately goes like this, “God, you are my best friend.  Please come be with me!”  I am at time very lonely and feel the withdraws on my social atmosphere.  I have depended too long upon physical relationships… I just wish my mind wasn’t so involved by feeding me lies about what will happen to friends here at home.  I should not care.  Or should I?

I am coming up to the bend on my road.  I have been able to see up until this point what was ahead of me.  God clearly marked my path by saying that I was going to go to Peru.  The preparation is almost over and I have yet to see the next step!

I wish there was an immediate means to attaining my comfort.  I know how I could find my comfort easily.  I could just call Rachel Kuhn and tell her that I’m not going to go to Peru, that I’ve renounced my faith and I’m turning to Buddhism and then I could stay in Mount Vernon where my friends are and build my life around relationships that will fail me in every way that the Lord’s would not.  And as much as I want to believe so dearly that that would be the answer to my prayers and that I would be my happiest there… I know it’s the biggest lie ever fed into my brain.  And it hurts… It hurts that where I think I could be happiest is where God denies me.  God’s will is not for me to find comfort in temporary things but to draw near to Him.  I can only do that in Peru.  It’s simply undeniable this calling.  I have seen too much to count it all as trivial coincidence.  In fact, that term is lost on me.  I now only believe the Lord’s amazing hand guides me through everything.

Pray that I can overcome my sadness.

It’s Undeniable
It’s undeniable this feeling,
That something’s on its way,
It’s change, I can feel it in my bones,
I walk away from the carnage,
Of a weak and bludgeoned heart,
I’m mortified that this was never mine to own,

If I could turn my clocks,
Back so I could be,
With you an hour more,
Would I still have to leave?
I gotta learn to look,

Past what’s in front of me,
And realize where I should be,

It’s unavoidable this whisper,
But no one heard the sounds,
My voice broke when I said,
“I gotta do this alone,”

I hear the voices of a million angels,
Betroth me to the call,

My bags are hardly packed,
But I know I’ve gotta go,

If I could turn my clocks,
Back so I could be,
With you and hour more,
Would I still have to leave,
I gotta learn to look,

Past what’s in front of me,
And realize where I should be,

If I could go through life,
Back a month or two,

Could I have more time,
More time to spend with you,
Let the truth be told,
Deep inside I know,

I gotta let this go,

It’s undeniable this feeling. 

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