I just posted a few days ago, and I was going to hold this post for another time, but I think I need your prayers now… so I´ll post it now. I’m writing and backspacing what I’m writing here because I want to choose my words carefully. I’ve not always been the most humble of people. To be quite honest, sometimes I can be vain. It’s probably just growing up, but I’m learning that some of the crap I used to worry about doesn’t matter (i.e. how I look in pictures, the compliments people give me, etc.) I’m coming to realize those things give me a temporary thrill and then quickly fade… and the hole then quenches further confirmation of self. It’s exhausting, and my only confirmation I need comes from God.
All of that to say, I’m a really talented guy. It’s a shocking statement for me to look at too. Maybe I’m not as talented as I think I am though, maybe all these people have been lying to me all these years. But, what I’ve been told is I’m talented. I: sing, play music, write music, write story ditties here and there, draw, cook, design, learn languages quickly. Basically, that all falls within the art realm, so we could say… ART and everything therein. Why am I telling you I’m talented? Do I need to learn more humility?
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with my life. Some people feel they have a blank canvas of abilities and don’t have anything to choose from, it’s just as hard having a splatter paint art piece and trying to figure out what to let your eye focus on. Satan really likes to play with me here. Our insecurities are his playground.
Recently, I’ve found myself painfully wishing or perhaps desiring to build on one of these talents. That’s fine! I’ll go through periods where I love to draw and others when I’d rather do other things. The problem is how it turns into covetous attitudes. It’s an ugly feeling. I hate it. I love photography, I don’t have the camera I need yet to practice and get better, maybe something I’ll have to wait to get in the States, but I just saw some pictures online that were gorgeous and I had that deep-set pang in my heart. I wanted that. Not the pictures, but the ability. The ability to capture that beauty. It´s fine wanting to take beautiful pictures, but this strong compulsion is really messing with my focus.
Satan is doing a good job of picking out my past dreams and aspirations and placing them in my mind as what I want right now. I can’t afford having this when I’m about to set out on the true purpose for my being in Peru. I can’t start out like this. I want to take beautiful pictures here and write beautiful songs about this experience, but not to the point of self-glorification. Do you understand? I feel like this has been hard to explain. I need your prayers. I want to be able to use these gifts, rather for my glory for His. My glory can never quench my thirst, but His glory will satisfy.