I am starting to feel tired. It’s late. Yuck, is it really? It’s only 10:30 and I’m saying that it’s late. I have changed so much since coming to Peru, and I don’t just mean spiritually, but also my habits. This is a very good thing. I going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I used to have such a hard time getting up at 6, but now I have a hard time sleeping past it!
The other morning I was sitting on the couch doing my devotions and Garren and Geremias were doing their devotions together and Garren asked him what he needed to do to improve his intimacy with God. I wrote down the question for myself to answer later, and it wasn’t until now that I realized what it is.
I think about every post I write includes some kind of hardship that I’m dealing with concerning Joel. It’s so hard. We are constantly on a roller-coaster ride. One moment we are buddies and the next there’s a barricade between us. Our day can be totally ruined by one word uttered by the other. That’s what it was for me today, just one word he said, “so.” Someone had a parrot on their roof and it was talking in Spanish! Of course it would be speaking in Spanish, but the things it was saying (get out, stop, shut up) I thought were hysterical. Joel was listening to music on his headphones so I pulled one out of his ears and told him there was a parrot! “So,” he said… it took me down, hard.
When I get upset I shut down. I didn’t say a word the whole way home after that. Sometimes, I don’t know why I feel a way that I do. I’m glad I know that about myself now so walking home I was analyzing why I was so angry. He, at one time, told me he wanted me to initiate conversations… “well, apparently when I do that,’ I’m thinking, ‘my conversation starter isn’t good enough for you.” That’s how I felt.
I got home and I went straight for the prayer room. It has a lock on the door and it just feels good to be in an empty room. This is sometimes my refuge, my sanctuary, when I need to break down. I cried, and pleaded to God for His strength and understanding. In the middle of calling out to Him, He gave me an answer.
I realized that the problems that Joel and I have are rarely ever related directly to the work we are doing. The way he answered me about that stupid parrot… yea I still think it was stinking rude, but it wasn’t related to anything else we were doing today. It was Satan’s “in.” He knows how emotionally raw I can be and it stuck me and hurt. But, too often I let myself get in the way. My emotions take the forefront and if something upsets me I feel like it has to be fixed, because if it isn’t I’ll get hurt again. It’s good to be emotionally healthy and to communicate with a friend if they do something that hurts you, don’t get me wrong. However, something I also realized today, and I knew this before but it just was really apparent to me today, is how it’s purely spiritual warfare.
Isaiah 40 has been a huge encouragement and inspiration for my daily prayers recently. It talks about how God gives us strength and how He will rise us up on wings like eagles and how, yes, even the young will get tired, BUT GOD NEVER DOES! My spiritual z’s come from God. There are days that I wake up and don’t want to be here, but I know I’m putting myself first. Those days I have to depend purely on God. As He never grows weak I have nothing to worry about, because He will be there for me. This is so cliche, but it’s not cliche for the person in which it’s an active truth. I love my God and depending on Him thoroughly for my daily strength is how my intimacy with Him has grown. He is my heavenly Father and He loves me and He provides for me. He is my sugar pack for this bitter black coffee world. Through Him I catch the rest I need. Isn’t He great?!
Thank you all for praying. It’s still very necessary. Do not stop. Please keep praying.